There was a hum to the room. It wasn’t loud, but it was there, and its funny how that can be enough. I didn’t really notice it the first few times, but once I did hear it, I couldn’t put it back. You could say that’s like a “knowledge is power and power corrupts” kinda thing, but I’m not really here to make those kinds of thoughts. I have them, it’s all there, but recently, it’s all just become a big tangled mess. The feelings are there but I can’t put them into words, I can’t explain them to people. People, other people. I’m not good with people, unless it’s at the surface level, but I guess who isn’t? There are a lot of them, each an enigma that I can’t figure out. Like the source of the hum.
I’m not sure if there’s a hum for anyone else, but I hear it. If I don’t think about it it’s nothing, not there, it’s all clear. But the backdrop, the background noise, the static of all that I know and all that I’ve thought in pure, raw, uncut feeling in the back of my mind. I don’t know if anyone else knows it, acknowledges it. I don’t think I’m special or anything for pointing it out, but usually there’s like a switch that turns these kinds of thoughts off when I’m with other people. We need to have some way to bridge the gap. And the real problem I might have with people is that if we are all the same, and they are just like me, what do they make of it all?
Anyway, I sat back in the chair and let the hum overtake me until it was all over the room. Until it overshadowed all rational thoughts and my mind felt like there was no lucidity anymore. Cognition taken over by screens and words and thoughts and displays that swirled in my head until it was a wonder that there was any output at all. I just don’t know anymore. I need something grounding, something to take the edge off the thoughts before I start.
Maybe I spend too much time alone. In this room, with the hum, It’s just normal, comforting. I don’t know anything anymore. There is only faith, for whatever it’s worth. Everyone’s pretty quick to snuff out faith these days. Optimists might as well be idiots. No, everyone’s so tripped up on proving how smart they are to everyone. “See the reality that everything is awful?” That might be fine when the talky switch is on, but at night when it’s just you and your thoughts…well…at least there’s youtube right?
Just keep pushing out accepting it all for as long as you can. Feel content in your world. Run away from pain. Don’t feel things. Just Cope.
I wanted desperately to take a pull of something. I could feel it all coming up from the hum in my bedroom. The static. Maybe scratching that itch would clear it up?
It’s all just a cycle.
This is what’s kept me from quitting.
I just had to ride it out.