FML

My life is like an insane carousel

and I don’t know how to stop it

If i can’t slow it down

I think I’m going to vomit

Everything around blurs

Round and around it goes

faces repeating in the haze

in my jolting highs and lows

as my body swings from here to there

I hang on with an iron grip

faster and faster the colors whirl

The moments cracking like a whip.

And I wonder how this can be real

how can it be reality?

when did I get on the ride?

and where will I be at the ride’s finality?

Who are the spectators whose eyes meet mine?

Who is the operator that spun me through time?

Through meetings and thoughts and all things gone wrong

they spin through my mind and yet still I did not fall.

 

 

[image by sewer-pancake]

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Suit.

So for the past week and a half I’ve been hibernating within a large comforter and youtube. I did not see the light of the sun for easily four days and resolved that the world would carry on just fine without me and that the source of all my problems was just from getting too involved with the people of planet earth and thus resolved to ignore the world completely. I watched a lot of this rpg stream thing called Thrilling Intent and kind of let that influence the in-and-out-dream-states I periodically went through. I figure if people spend all day doing drugs and whatnot, what would be wrong with dissociating time and reality for a long time with just my brain mind’s stories to entertain me. At least before immediately having amnesia about whatever glorious adventures i was going on in my dream states.
I’d be brought back from dreams with this great feeling of happiness and fulfillment and a glimmer of maybe a memory, but like everything it fades before I can grasp what it was that gave me this good feeling. Then I would go back into remembering that I was ignoring everyone and the regrets of messed up social situations and ruined relationships start all over again with vivid detail and I go back to telling myself i just need to stop with people and ignore the world.
I had all this free time and I used the excuse that i was feeling sick to completely put off having to deal with any engagements of any kind. I haden’t seen the doctor in a while, the dentist keeps calling me, and I have to write a bunch of content, and it’s all hanging over me in a cloud of anxiety, but i just resolve to continue watching trailer park boys for another four hours as time goes on outside my little world.
By the fourth day my mind was consumed by the finite nature of life and death.
Anyway thank jebus I had to go to work at my minimum wage job eventually, or I’d still be there wasting away. The biggest thing that keeps me from going outside is that I wonder what I’m going to do out there in the world. I feel way better when I just pick something and do it.Today I decided to play dress up and I put on a shirt with a tie and wore my Grand Pa’s old trench coat just to go to the library to get work done (those four walls in my house are a place of insanity now), yet wearing the suit jacket also had another effect, I gained a +2 adult status and made appointments with my doctor and dentist after calling my boss about schedule stuff. My second advice would be dress like you’re the shit and you will feel like the shit and other people will be like “right this way sir” when you talk to them.
Anyway I put my adult clothes on and felt better, I even did a little song and dance with my grandpa’s jacket on about how much of an adult I am. It went something like this:

Look at me,
I’m An Adult,
Look at me,
I’m an Adult,
getting stuff done,
woohoo!

 

Childeren’s book idea.

Today is another day
By this guy

Hey, it’s okay, today is another day!

To live and learn and find a new way,

To do all those things you’re good at,

like walk and run and jump and play!

To see all the people that you know go about their day,

and say hi to them as they go on their way.

Odillaly! Callooh Calay!

Enjoy the time while they have it to stay,

performing life’s little goshdarned play

while the cold embrace of the universe surrounds you

and strips away your ego

turning your vibrant achievement’s to particulates of grey,

Swaddles you in the comfort of nothing

and upends your hopeful attempts to survey

 

Titanic gulfs of interest amid existential parlays

Trying to chase your “true” potential day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day:
until the sound of that word makes you sick to your stomach and you realize that it’s all just time happening, night day it has no real meaning than it’s direct effect on when we do stuff and it’s all slipping away into the vast cauldren of bubbling something while our microscopic world spins through space around a small blip of light which is fifty million times bigger than the bacteria that live in our stomachs to help us digest cuz we’re an entire ecosystem, yeah OUR BODIES ARE AN ECOSYSTEM for small organisms who meet the same requirements for life as us because we can’t rationally draw a line (I guess it’s somewhere around viruses but that’s beside the point because the fucking scope of small things to big things is so mind boggling that I’m jaded to everything else now and I don’t know what has value anymore so I latch onto set ideals of what should be values and smoke and drink to relax myself from that constant factor and don’t close parentheticals because barriers are an illusion….

um

….But hey, It’s okay, today is another day

To make the story change

to figure out a better way

to laugh and love and jump and play

Odillaly! Callooh Calay!

Today is another day.

“Hey what’s up?”

I’m so bad at people and making decisions….but don’t feel bad for me, I don’t think I deserve it …oh god now I’m saying too much and you’re all looking at me and now I don’t know what to say cuz it’s just gonna dig a deeper hole where it gets complicated and people will want more explanations or to comfort me or they just won’t care at all and I don’t know if I can bear it if I say all this stuff and put myself and my feelings out on the line and then getting nothing in return but blankness and whatever because I equate people liking me to my own self worth and I can’t help it and I end up ashamed of myself for even bothering because I’ll know people will be making opinions of me based on what I say like “looking for attention” or “wow that’s sad” or even “What’s wrong” which are stuff that I think about other people sometimes because I’m selfish and I constantly need validation, but don’t bother  to validate others all the time, but they might not even want my validation cuz why would they have the same issues as me? and I’m not asking for you to care or worry about me because those are all the sorts of things I don’t want because I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m okay, don’t worry about me or think about me but DON’T GO AWAY because I’m afraid of dying alone and being alone and dying in general, but I keep making mistakes and driving people  away and why cant everyone just get off of eachother’s case and maybe I’m just on my own case or everyone is a jury and they are constantly standing over me to the point where all of humanity is just this faceless black shadow shrouding out the sky beyond it’s horrid godlike eye that looks at me when I go to a bar or walk down the street or register to vote and it watches me telling me I’m not worth your time because I’ve fucked up so many times before and it’s going to happen again and I don’t know if the eye is right or if I make it right because I don’t want to fail and I want people to like me because I validate myself by people liking me and I can’t keep track of everyone or even want to keep tabs on people or be involved with people because of the jury shadow eye thing and the longer time I spend with people the easier it is for me to hurt them because I’m bad at people and making decisions…but don’t feel bad for me, i don’t think I deserve it…now I’ve said too much the hole is very deep now and I don’t know if I have some kind of problem but all the online tests I take say that I’m positively average and on the one hand that should be good but a uniqueness is necessary to stay sane and I wanna believe that I’m special like my momma would say but I’m not special and that’s okay I’m fine with that so I’m all myself and If I’m supposed to be average that might mean that most people have the same thoughts as me and that means that they can maybe relate to having thoughts like me and maybe that might mean that….something. So anyway…no I’m gud.

Activity Update

I salute you. Thanks to all my followers and readers, you are great!

poster

So, For those of you who have been waiting for more Sci Fi fox or Good & Evil, I should not, but I must make the same unfortunate excuse as anyone who makes comics, that it takes a while. Since I’m not much in the way of drawing, It’s not that I’m working on one page for all this time, but I hope to put up many pages at once at once rather than keep the story so segmented for both. Issue 2 of G & E will be done soon. It’s a couple pages longer, But I will reboot the past issue with it.

Anyway, if you like my writing at all, please don’t hesitate to let me know. If you don’t like my writing, well, no one asked you. If you don’t have the attention span to read, then I guess I can only blame you for being uncultured swine. Since the majority of people rarely read past the first sentence, this is kind of an inside joke right now between you and me (hehe).
I made this poster, more comics will be soon, for now I leave you with space police:

 

 

Comfort

Now if you happen to find yourself,

Unable to get out of your bed,

Just listen to the song I sing,

Or else you might end up dead.

 

There is a reason the sunlight beams

Through the closed curtain

There is a reason the birds do sing,

They warn you of a peril.

 

Now if you find your covers warm,

Comfort do not thank,

For lingering in this cozy world to long,

Will sap you of your streingth

 

Your legs will turn to jelly

Your arms to tar,

Your head will fill with hot air

fill with nonsense and stars.

 

Do not let your fate

be that of languid goo.

Cast aside comfort

and breath in the sunshine anew.

 

Lift from your resting world and lend your limbs

to electric life pulses.

 

I am…

560283_2106855586090_807045209_n

I am a Woman,

I am a Man,

I am Strait,

I am Gay,

I am Loving,

I am Hateful,

I am Strong,

I am Weak,

I am pensive,

I am ambition,

I am sexy,

I am Ugly,

I am peace,

I am Gore,

I am a saint,

I am perverse,

I am Blunt,

I am wishy washy,

I am an addict,

I am freedom,

I am a Recluse,

I am a Butterfly,

I am A Fox,

I am a Wolf,

I am a Raven.

I am the dusk.

I am This,

I am That,

I am Depth.

I am Flat,

A vast Ocean,

and Dry sand,

Sky. Earth,

Space. Nothing.

Love. Fuck.

Happy. Depressed.

One. Zero.

Black. White.

Grey.

When you take away all the names,

All That is left,

Is me.

A walking contradiction.

 

Grasping at a dying whips of youth while becoming a man,

Feeling like a child,

Feeling like an old man.

 

Gods am I a fool,

He who speaks swiftly and with full intention at a moment,

But stutters and spits,

or says nothing,

at all at the right ones.

And an anger.

 

A frustration, a sadness, a looming specter of fear.

As I brazenly go, skipping with oblivion.

Holding on to nothing but the bridges I make as I go.

A plan uncharted and unmade before me.

I slide myself through comfortable channels,

And slide past the difficulties.

Finding who happens to be in my way and making

intimate handshakes of vice.

Letting Love pass by.

 

It speaks in a language I do not know.

 

I know only the softness of thighs,

The breath of yours on mine,

The mind beyond the movements.

I feel them as real as our hearts beating

I feel them in sighs and gasps

And I hold them in my arms.

but I forget to catch.

And say nothing as you go back to your mental world

I’m caught in a web of assumptions

trails of possibility.

 

And a bitter wave hardens me from the inside.

My thoughts like tree rot spread through my core

Until I hate to look upon you, until I hate others

I wear my bitter jealousy in a smile.

Waiting for clarity.

 

Lost in contradictions.

 

 

History

Time does weave a magic thread,

It binds all things in beginnings and ends,

In life so full, new births, and deaths,

Exits ongoing in what is further sent.

 

what hand overcomes the last?

Evolution spirals and dies along,

After last setting’s past.

We cannot decern a new dawn,

 

Great walls of challenges met like imposable waves,

And thought that what sinks is gone,

Alas we forget that time’s waves.

Have depth beyond our own.

 

Nothing is born and nothing dies, such conclusion is an illusion,

Our fears of ends is in fact a lie, rather it is a transfusion into infusion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The scarf is proof.

I scrape and slide along through my coarse life,

While you seem to glide so smooth,

Directing your off glances like a stabbing knife,

Puncturing any effort I desire to smooth-

-the wrinkled sandpaper of our entanglement,

Which seemed to burn softly just past,

Now we sit and pretend our arrangement,

never did come to pass.

 

We move like chess pieces now,

Avoiding what we knew we felt,

How you pretend it never happened

I’m grinding my head with doubt.

 

I can understand your convenience,

if nothing had occurred,

but my god! I hate the barrier we’ve created,

where through it can penetrate no delicate words.

 

The well building inside me could force that barrier down

one sentence could batter away my mystery

the gulf of our worlds once more solid ground,

walk to your shores again without guards or history,

Without dismissals or strategy.

 

bare to the world once more.

 

But I am a spineless creature,

meek and stupid to this game

a fowled and awkward preacher

I can only hope that you are the same.

 

I can at least take solace in this,

When our passions were then flesh and groping thought,

Our nations entwined like people

and only our human treaty was what we sought.

 

The soft scarlet silk unwrapped and flattened,

is proof…