FML

My life is like an insane carousel

and I don’t know how to stop it

If i can’t slow it down

I think I’m going to vomit

Everything around blurs

Round and around it goes

faces repeating in the haze

in my jolting highs and lows

as my body swings from here to there

I hang on with an iron grip

faster and faster the colors whirl

The moments cracking like a whip.

And I wonder how this can be real

how can it be reality?

when did I get on the ride?

and where will I be at the ride’s finality?

Who are the spectators whose eyes meet mine?

Who is the operator that spun me through time?

Through meetings and thoughts and all things gone wrong

they spin through my mind and yet still I did not fall.

 

 

[image by sewer-pancake]

Suit.

So for the past week and a half I’ve been hibernating within a large comforter and youtube. I did not see the light of the sun for easily four days and resolved that the world would carry on just fine without me and that the source of all my problems was just from getting too involved with the people of planet earth and thus resolved to ignore the world completely. I watched a lot of this rpg stream thing called Thrilling Intent and kind of let that influence the in-and-out-dream-states I periodically went through. I figure if people spend all day doing drugs and whatnot, what would be wrong with dissociating time and reality for a long time with just my brain mind’s stories to entertain me. At least before immediately having amnesia about whatever glorious adventures i was going on in my dream states.
I’d be brought back from dreams with this great feeling of happiness and fulfillment and a glimmer of maybe a memory, but like everything it fades before I can grasp what it was that gave me this good feeling. Then I would go back into remembering that I was ignoring everyone and the regrets of messed up social situations and ruined relationships start all over again with vivid detail and I go back to telling myself i just need to stop with people and ignore the world.
I had all this free time and I used the excuse that i was feeling sick to completely put off having to deal with any engagements of any kind. I haden’t seen the doctor in a while, the dentist keeps calling me, and I have to write a bunch of content, and it’s all hanging over me in a cloud of anxiety, but i just resolve to continue watching trailer park boys for another four hours as time goes on outside my little world.
By the fourth day my mind was consumed by the finite nature of life and death.
Anyway thank jebus I had to go to work at my minimum wage job eventually, or I’d still be there wasting away. The biggest thing that keeps me from going outside is that I wonder what I’m going to do out there in the world. I feel way better when I just pick something and do it.Today I decided to play dress up and I put on a shirt with a tie and wore my Grand Pa’s old trench coat just to go to the library to get work done (those four walls in my house are a place of insanity now), yet wearing the suit jacket also had another effect, I gained a +2 adult status and made appointments with my doctor and dentist after calling my boss about schedule stuff. My second advice would be dress like you’re the shit and you will feel like the shit and other people will be like “right this way sir” when you talk to them.
Anyway I put my adult clothes on and felt better, I even did a little song and dance with my grandpa’s jacket on about how much of an adult I am. It went something like this:

Look at me,
I’m An Adult,
Look at me,
I’m an Adult,
getting stuff done,
woohoo!

 

Childeren’s book idea.

Today is another day
By this guy

Hey, it’s okay, today is another day!

To live and learn and find a new way,

To do all those things you’re good at,

like walk and run and jump and play!

To see all the people that you know go about their day,

and say hi to them as they go on their way.

Odillaly! Callooh Calay!

Enjoy the time while they have it to stay,

performing life’s little goshdarned play

while the cold embrace of the universe surrounds you

and strips away your ego

turning your vibrant achievement’s to particulates of grey,

Swaddles you in the comfort of nothing

and upends your hopeful attempts to survey

 

Titanic gulfs of interest amid existential parlays

Trying to chase your “true” potential day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day:
until the sound of that word makes you sick to your stomach and you realize that it’s all just time happening, night day it has no real meaning than it’s direct effect on when we do stuff and it’s all slipping away into the vast cauldren of bubbling something while our microscopic world spins through space around a small blip of light which is fifty million times bigger than the bacteria that live in our stomachs to help us digest cuz we’re an entire ecosystem, yeah OUR BODIES ARE AN ECOSYSTEM for small organisms who meet the same requirements for life as us because we can’t rationally draw a line (I guess it’s somewhere around viruses but that’s beside the point because the fucking scope of small things to big things is so mind boggling that I’m jaded to everything else now and I don’t know what has value anymore so I latch onto set ideals of what should be values and smoke and drink to relax myself from that constant factor and don’t close parentheticals because barriers are an illusion….

um

….But hey, It’s okay, today is another day

To make the story change

to figure out a better way

to laugh and love and jump and play

Odillaly! Callooh Calay!

Today is another day.

“Hey what’s up?”

I’m so bad at people and making decisions….but don’t feel bad for me, I don’t think I deserve it …oh god now I’m saying too much and you’re all looking at me and now I don’t know what to say cuz it’s just gonna dig a deeper hole where it gets complicated and people will want more explanations or to comfort me or they just won’t care at all and I don’t know if I can bear it if I say all this stuff and put myself and my feelings out on the line and then getting nothing in return but blankness and whatever because I equate people liking me to my own self worth and I can’t help it and I end up ashamed of myself for even bothering because I’ll know people will be making opinions of me based on what I say like “looking for attention” or “wow that’s sad” or even “What’s wrong” which are stuff that I think about other people sometimes because I’m selfish and I constantly need validation, but don’t bother  to validate others all the time, but they might not even want my validation cuz why would they have the same issues as me? and I’m not asking for you to care or worry about me because those are all the sorts of things I don’t want because I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m okay, don’t worry about me or think about me but DON’T GO AWAY because I’m afraid of dying alone and being alone and dying in general, but I keep making mistakes and driving people  away and why cant everyone just get off of eachother’s case and maybe I’m just on my own case or everyone is a jury and they are constantly standing over me to the point where all of humanity is just this faceless black shadow shrouding out the sky beyond it’s horrid godlike eye that looks at me when I go to a bar or walk down the street or register to vote and it watches me telling me I’m not worth your time because I’ve fucked up so many times before and it’s going to happen again and I don’t know if the eye is right or if I make it right because I don’t want to fail and I want people to like me because I validate myself by people liking me and I can’t keep track of everyone or even want to keep tabs on people or be involved with people because of the jury shadow eye thing and the longer time I spend with people the easier it is for me to hurt them because I’m bad at people and making decisions…but don’t feel bad for me, i don’t think I deserve it…now I’ve said too much the hole is very deep now and I don’t know if I have some kind of problem but all the online tests I take say that I’m positively average and on the one hand that should be good but a uniqueness is necessary to stay sane and I wanna believe that I’m special like my momma would say but I’m not special and that’s okay I’m fine with that so I’m all myself and If I’m supposed to be average that might mean that most people have the same thoughts as me and that means that they can maybe relate to having thoughts like me and maybe that might mean that….something. So anyway…no I’m gud.

Evil

It’s all just one big misunderstanding.

Two men with PTSD trying to tell each other to get their lives together where theirs’ aren’t falling apart.

Two women talking about rape as though they mean the same thing.

A drunkard, a junkie, a smoker, and a leper talking about what a party is.

A miner and a hippie talking about work.

A dominatrix, a furry, a priest, and a textbook talking about sex.

Rich and poor talking about money.

Colors talking about race and rainbows.

The utter Fucking depravity of misunderstandings.

Activity Update

I salute you. Thanks to all my followers and readers, you are great!

poster

So, For those of you who have been waiting for more Sci Fi fox or Good & Evil, I should not, but I must make the same unfortunate excuse as anyone who makes comics, that it takes a while. Since I’m not much in the way of drawing, It’s not that I’m working on one page for all this time, but I hope to put up many pages at once at once rather than keep the story so segmented for both. Issue 2 of G & E will be done soon. It’s a couple pages longer, But I will reboot the past issue with it.

Anyway, if you like my writing at all, please don’t hesitate to let me know. If you don’t like my writing, well, no one asked you. If you don’t have the attention span to read, then I guess I can only blame you for being uncultured swine. Since the majority of people rarely read past the first sentence, this is kind of an inside joke right now between you and me (hehe).
I made this poster, more comics will be soon, for now I leave you with space police:

 

 

The company of cats.

All in all I’d say that I enjoy the company of animals over that of humanity. Specifically cats, and if the mood strikes me I rather enjoy birds for a time. Yet rarely do these two coincide, for one tries to be free of all things that tether it to the earth while the other takes pleasure in the killing it’s prey. It is odd, because in that regard, the birds, always are searching and neurotically pronouncing their freedom, are never as free as the cat. In fact I must say that at this moment I’ve made the decision that the company of cats is probably the best company to keep.

Dogs depend on one another, and depend on surviving in an order to which they are loyal and happily in a degree of subservience. I might add that there may not be anything wrong with being content in subservience, only as long as one has their dignity in accepting their place. I have never known or met a cat that would be so dependable. I would rely on a dog to fight with me, and only rely on a cat if in the best terms, and even then cats can hold such a state of aloof ambivalence that they are unpredictable in their true convictions. Dogs are never as free as cats because they are bound by an order. A lone feral dog does not usually do well for itself. Always they are looking for that but cannot find. They carry a chip on their shoulder and burn out like a star after their life of skulking and killing gets to them.

Cats exist in this world knowing that they are alone from the getgo. They exist to serve their desires and maintain a confidence in that their decisions are what keeps them alive. Yet this solidarity does not mean that they do not enjoy the pleasures of their own. Cats find the regular opportunities to make love in a way humans endlessly fail at grasping.

The only comparable creature who might be as free and with very interesting romantic inclinations is that of the Fox. The fox has a long courtship by comparison to the other two species where they chase each other around with their little games until a conclusion is reached, they both win, and they raise their children together. They do this every year or so with various partners or the same, which is a very civilized system. It is in the fox that one sees the energy and dumb love of the dog, and the aloof smirk of the cat. Alas, foxes are bandits and thrive on having their games to play. If they aren’t outsmarting someone, they are likely being hopelessly outsmarted. When that happens they die.

Instead of getting caught up in this game or that, the Cat will ignore the game and just take the reward. Once they do get caught up, they know they are useless.

You have to relate the existence of all creatures to that of their relativity to humanity, and in the case of the Fox, they are a pest and killed with little remorse. The Dog holds the exalted place of “Man’s best friend” and will  lie under the table, happy with scraps. Yet the cat, the cat can exist in both worlds. It is a place that mythology once gave the Fox because of their nature to be seen at dusk, the worlds of night and day. Yet more fitting in this dominated world, the true shape-shifter is the cat.

That is why I find myself so alike the cat.

 

The finest part of living with creatures overall is that there are no words. No ugly, in the way-tangle-in-your-mouth words. All words do is mangle how people feel, what is true, and what is not. For instance, if you asked a cat which religion has the true god, he would look at you only with confusion. If you asked a cat how to tell a woman you love her, he would have no earthly idea what you mean. Even if they did talk, the notion of feeling things while not feeling them at the moment, is absurd and an impossible craft to attempt. All there is, is feeling and action. You are given the tools to survive in your hands er…paws, and you take what you can from the world that put you here.

It’s much easier for a cat to do this, because they have no laws. It begs the question of how many cats actually get away with murder.
I woke up Thursday on the dashboard of a derelict van. The sun that beamed through the windscreen was extraordinarily hot and I abandoned sleeping longer. Peering out from my van I saw that it was a bright day with a clear blue sky  beyond the piles of smashed up cars. Over the distant skyline. I wandered for a while through the junkyard, and found nothing of interest. I decided that perhaps I should return to my apartment. I began feeling like I was losing touch again with society.

I made my way through the chain fence of the junkyard and down the alley to a clothing store. Inside I changed and left with a clean black suit. I did not pay for it, but I would return at some other time. The clerk had not even seen me enter or leave so it was as if I was never there. She was half asleep reading a catalog with a big bubble of chewing gum during both events.

I recalled the smell of cigarettes from the cafe across the street, and politely asked for one. The man was with his girlfriend of some kind and did not want to seem stingy or uncharitable. He gave me one to that effect and lit it for me. I thanked him on his charity and he said to think nothing of it. His girlfriend, politely waited for me to leave before talking. The man smiled proudly as I left, he really just wanted to look as frivolous as possible to compensate for the little money he had. I knew this shortly because the wallet I took from his breast pocket had barely enough to catch a train downtown.

I supposed it could not be helped. He probably was going to feign something about not having his wallet with him anyway once the check came.

I puffed the cigarette as I walked. looking up at the street signs. the cars honking and flying down the road. People passed me as I walked. In such a hurry! It is amazing how such a species could dominate the world and only succeed in making life harder for themselves. To make time this special commodity when time is an impossible thing to save up for or create. To whoever is making a profit off of all this, I tip my hat.

I turned the corner at the first street I recognized as intersecting near the train station. Letting out a drag I was immediately distracted when I saw this creature strolling ahead of me. She wore a white dress with a black band around her waist. her collar was tinged with black, and she had a straw hat turned to the side. I must admit however, I could not take my eyes off that lythe form. The white dress outlined her figure so well in the sunshine. One aspect of her anatomy was extenuated by the black band around her waist.

I shook myself from my head, and was overcome with an irresistible urge. I ran after her and put my hand on her shoulder.

“Hello” I said coolly.

She stopped and looked at me, Her big green eyes in the center of a wonderful face. She looked down at my hand.

“h-hello?”

“You know I have an apartment we could go to.”

“GET OFF OF ME!” She said and swung her black gloved fist into my jaw. I fell to the ground, and she stormed off.

 

I took time before I pulled myself up, collected the cigarette that fell from my mouth and watched her confidently pump down the street. Onlookers giggled at me.

 

As I walked towards the train station, I realized that my fresh bruise, new suit, and brown leather wallet, were all proofs that I had indeed spent too much time in the company of cats.

I am…

560283_2106855586090_807045209_n

I am a Woman,

I am a Man,

I am Strait,

I am Gay,

I am Loving,

I am Hateful,

I am Strong,

I am Weak,

I am pensive,

I am ambition,

I am sexy,

I am Ugly,

I am peace,

I am Gore,

I am a saint,

I am perverse,

I am Blunt,

I am wishy washy,

I am an addict,

I am freedom,

I am a Recluse,

I am a Butterfly,

I am A Fox,

I am a Wolf,

I am a Raven.

I am the dusk.

I am This,

I am That,

I am Depth.

I am Flat,

A vast Ocean,

and Dry sand,

Sky. Earth,

Space. Nothing.

Love. Fuck.

Happy. Depressed.

One. Zero.

Black. White.

Grey.

When you take away all the names,

All That is left,

Is me.

A walking contradiction.

 

Grasping at a dying whips of youth while becoming a man,

Feeling like a child,

Feeling like an old man.

 

Gods am I a fool,

He who speaks swiftly and with full intention at a moment,

But stutters and spits,

or says nothing,

at all at the right ones.

And an anger.

 

A frustration, a sadness, a looming specter of fear.

As I brazenly go, skipping with oblivion.

Holding on to nothing but the bridges I make as I go.

A plan uncharted and unmade before me.

I slide myself through comfortable channels,

And slide past the difficulties.

Finding who happens to be in my way and making

intimate handshakes of vice.

Letting Love pass by.

 

It speaks in a language I do not know.

 

I know only the softness of thighs,

The breath of yours on mine,

The mind beyond the movements.

I feel them as real as our hearts beating

I feel them in sighs and gasps

And I hold them in my arms.

but I forget to catch.

And say nothing as you go back to your mental world

I’m caught in a web of assumptions

trails of possibility.

 

And a bitter wave hardens me from the inside.

My thoughts like tree rot spread through my core

Until I hate to look upon you, until I hate others

I wear my bitter jealousy in a smile.

Waiting for clarity.

 

Lost in contradictions.

 

 

The scarf is proof.

I scrape and slide along through my coarse life,

While you seem to glide so smooth,

Directing your off glances like a stabbing knife,

Puncturing any effort I desire to smooth-

-the wrinkled sandpaper of our entanglement,

Which seemed to burn softly just past,

Now we sit and pretend our arrangement,

never did come to pass.

 

We move like chess pieces now,

Avoiding what we knew we felt,

How you pretend it never happened

I’m grinding my head with doubt.

 

I can understand your convenience,

if nothing had occurred,

but my god! I hate the barrier we’ve created,

where through it can penetrate no delicate words.

 

The well building inside me could force that barrier down

one sentence could batter away my mystery

the gulf of our worlds once more solid ground,

walk to your shores again without guards or history,

Without dismissals or strategy.

 

bare to the world once more.

 

But I am a spineless creature,

meek and stupid to this game

a fowled and awkward preacher

I can only hope that you are the same.

 

I can at least take solace in this,

When our passions were then flesh and groping thought,

Our nations entwined like people

and only our human treaty was what we sought.

 

The soft scarlet silk unwrapped and flattened,

is proof…